I tried to fill my empty heart with everything in this world that feels good for only a minute, but the only thing that I was left with was guilt, loneliness, and a hollow heart. Growing up I was always so disobedient to my parents and doing only the opposite of what they wanted. Choosing to obey my flesh and lusts, I ended up pregnant outside of wedlock. I got married before my daughter was born but ended up divorced 2 years later.
Being a young single mother, I turned to sexual relationships, partying, traveling, over-drinking, over-shopping, and spoiling my daughters to mask the pain of being empty and hopeless. I wanted to be loved so bad, but none of this loved me back. Boyfriends only used me; partying left me feeling guilty in the morning; over-drinking left me with a splitting headache and regretting the things that I said and did; over-shopping left me with debt; and spoiling my children with things didn't make them love me because all they wanted was cuddles and to see me happy instead of crying.
I praise God that all of these things that the world glamorizes are so painful because the pain and emptiness made me cry out to God. I have given an all natural birth, and birthing pains pale in comparison to the pain in my heart during my life without God.
January 1, 2004, the day after a lot of New Year's Eve partying, I couldn't get off of the floor. I was crying so hard face down on the floor. I tried to pick myself up, but I physically couldn't. I had hit rock bottom. Nothing was wrong with me physically; it was the pain of my heart and hopelessness that I couldn't get up.
I called my sister Elisabeth from the floor begging for help. She told me about an orientation class for The Last Exodus that was going to be starting the very next day at Pat Sanchez's house in Denver, Colorado. I was so desperate that I actually obeyed and didn't do the opposite of what she said. God was so merciful and generous to let me find hope while face down on the floor.
I hung on to every word that Gwen Shamblin said in the videos and on Constant Encouragement. I wanted the joy, hope, peace, and love relationship with God that Gwen and everyone in Remnant had. I joined Remnant Fellowship shortly after calling my sister. I have never had more peace and purpose, learning that a great life comes from dying to my will and surrendering to God's perfect will.
I have had the opportunity to sit down with Gwen Shamblin a lot and ask her questions about how to treat people, my attitude, mothering, and falling in love with God alone. She always takes the time sit down with everyone and teach how to deeply, wholeheartedly love God first, then truly love others even when they don't love me back. It is fine when others that I shower with love don't like me or falsely accuse me because I get to prove to God that I will love Him through the good times and the hard times; and God's approval, favor, love, and answered prayers is all that I need.
I have been looking to be loved my whole life, and once I learned (through Remnant) to have no idols/loves besides Him, the love that God gives makes me so full that I can't help but to show so much love for others. I have learned to look inward and change myself and quit blaming everything around me. It is so freeing to take responsibility for my own actions.
Now I have two beautiful daughters that love serving, memorizing scripture, reading the Bible, love going to church, and they love God. I can't believe that they got to learn to have no idols/loves before God, and to go to God for every feeling at such a young age. I have also been taught to spend within God's boundaries as well. God has given me a job, and I am not to spend outside of my means. In obeying with this, I have been able to pay off so much debt. I am here to testify that God blesses obedience!